Why is it that no matter how strategically I attempt to position myself at shows, I always seem to end up behind a refrigerator? Short people of the world, I solved this mystery last Friday. But you're not gonna like it.

Eggs and I went to a Widespread Panic show on Friday, and during set break, we moved closer to the stage. "Nice!" I thought, scanning the area in front of me. The only tall people around were dudes with short girlfriends who, no doubt, were engaged in the same mission as I was. Was I really going to actually get to see a show?!

Not so much. I don't know why I'd never noticed it before, but it all makes so much sense now. Short people, who have lived their whole lifetime being vertically challenged, cope at shows by staking out spots early. The hope is that they'll get there before The Beasts (aka anyone over 5'10") arrive, and maybe, just maybe, they'll for once be able to clearly see the band.

I saw the flaw in this way of thinking for the first time that night. The Beasts, who are accustomed to being tall and perpetually having a great view, are in no hurry to get back to standing amid the crowd. They're hanging out at the bar, lingering as they smoke their cigarettes and laugh with their fellow giants. They know they'll be able to easily see the stage from wherever they're standing, so why rush back?

Meanwhile, we short people are huddled near the front of the stage, sneaking suspicious glances over our shoulders. And no matter what we do, these ogres always return and somehow ooze into spaces in front of us. And we wind up staring at a bloody Bonnaroo 2003 t-shirt for the rest of the show. I've never really paid close attention to the process, typically looking up just before the show started to find that my plan had been sabotaged. But now I know the truth - these Beasts, they know what they're doing. They're tall and dangerous, and they're out to steal your view.

Short people, I say we band together and combat this crime against our stature.

Or, you know, just bitch about it to our friends at shows.

--Cereal